My Story Part 27 – The Diary

For some reason I started a diary on September 18, 1999, my first entry was about my reaching out for the first time and contacting a support group. It was a time of turmoil and I recorded my thought of going through that time in my life.

In the diary, I wrote of joy, of anguish, of confusion, of grief, of insight, and looking back now I treasure my words. Each day was a new adventure, a new experience and now I look back and I see how amazed I was with life. Unfortunately, that spark has died out, what was once an adventure is now mundane and I have limited my diary entries to special events like the wedding and bridal shower. I think the process was richly rewarding and at that time it allowed me an outlet for my feelings and only latter did I realize that what I instinctively did was therapeutic.

I wrote of the time that I cried all night, because I was fighting my transition… I knew deep down that the road I was taking was hard, that life wasn’t going to be easy. In one of those sleepless nights I wrote,

The Word Not Spoken
The word said,
means commitment.

The word said,
means obligations.

The word said,
means duty.

The word said,
is a milestone

The word said,
is another stone in the foundation.

The word said,
is a fork in the road taken.

The word said,
closes the door behind and opens the door in front.

The word said,
burns the bridges.

The word said,
can never be unsaid.

I am a …

I was afraid that once I said what I knew was true, that it would be real and I could never deny it to myself ever again. There were so many emotions that had been bottled up for so long that when they surfaced, I needed an outlet to express them and the diary was that vehicle. When I told my brother I wrote,

February 16, 2002

I told R.

I didn’t real start of on the right foot, but he got the idea rather quickly. It went well after that, once he got over the initial shock. I tried explaining it to him, tried to following the outline I had in my head but that quickly fell by the wayside. I have placed the burden on his shoulders, that he must bear it with me. Is that selfish of me? I do not know, but I only know that I had to tell him. I lived a lie that I had to correct.

I do not know where this will lead but I must lay the groundwork.

I was very emotional, choked up and teary eyed. Even now it still hard, I can only think of his thoughts as he drives back home. I worry about him the long drive back home. I believe that he knows it was hard burden to carry by myself and that it was even harder to tell him about.

Well, the “cat’s out of the bag”, the bridges are burnt and the word has been said.

Now I can tell him the truth.

The next day I wrote…

Still a little emotional from last night.
Of all that I said, I think the thing that hit him the hardest was when I told him about the time when he was working for CL&P. That summer when he came home for lunch and he found me in bed, I told him the reason was that I was crossdressed. He said that far back?

After he left I sent a short e-mail to Teresa, “I did it. I told my brother and it went well.” About an hour later it received a phone call from her, we had a teary hour phone call. Thank you Teresa, I needed that. She also said “I smell a poem” and as usual she was right. This morning I woke up with one.

The Word Spoken
The word has been spoken.
The bridges burned.
I can only go forward.
To the beat of a different drummer.
The regrets put behind.
What lies before me, I cannot say.
Hope is eternal.
To the light of a new day.
I cast my lot.
I pray to see the way.
I will not perish.
Come what may.
I will survive.

The regret, not tell him sooner.

A couple of days later I received an email from him…

Date: February 19, 2002 6:11PM
Subject: I haven't forgotten you!
Just because you haven't heard back from me, doesn't mean you weren't on my mind - I've been thinking about you all weekend and how much pain you must have endured. I can't believe you've had to keep all this to yourself for so many years. I opened up your disc and read your poems - they reveal so much! I also started looking things up on the web.... give me time to learn more and we can talk again, hopefully, we'll have more time. I won't tell D, I'm not sure what's best to do yet, we can talk more about that, too.
……..
I'll give you a call later in the week and I'll always be there for you,
r

Those memories are so precious to me and are still so filled with emotion, I am so glad that kept them. Now I a way this blog has taken over as my diary to the world.