When I transitioned it was no big deal because I tested the waters first. I stuck my big toe in first, and then I went in a little deeper and deeper still. So when I transitioned I was fully cognizant of what I was doing.
I was in the closet most of my life until I was 50 years old; it was then that I went to my first support. It was there that I put my toe in the water. I had great angst in going out in public the first time and many times I sat in car and I could not go into the store where they were holding the meeting that night. The support group that I attended was more of a social support group and they had functions like a banquet, going out to dinner, to movies and plays. Over time I became more comfortable going out in public with the group.
Gradually I realized that it was more than crossdressing and I started attending another support group which addressed the needs of those who were thinking about transitioning. I attended the meetings for a number of years, just listening and not saying a word. Listening to those who had trouble transitioning and those that didn’t and looking for a common thread from those who had a problem free transition. And I did find a common thread; in general it appeared to me that those who took it slow had an easier time than those who rushed. They were like me in testing the waters first.
I developed a plan; I started hormone and electrolysis years before I transitioned. I would transition when I was 59 ½ when I could start withdrawing from my retirement accounts and not have to worry if I could get a job. I had seen too many trans-people transition and not be able to find a job. I would start electrolysis before I transitioned so that I would not have to worry about having a couple of days old stubble for electrolysis each week. I would begin hormones so that by the time that I transitioned I would have more feminine features. I was living just about full time as Diana except for 40 hours at work and when I did officially transition it was seamless.
Now I have been full time for four years and I am ready for the final step, but I am caught in that limbo that I wrote about yesterday. I cannot afford surgery and my insurance will not pay for it, so I am stuck like Hedwig…
Standing before you in the divide
Between East and West
Slavery and freedom
Man and woman
(Hedwig and the Angry Inch – Tear Me Down)
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