My Story Part 66 – Under Pressure

When I transitioned, it was different then when a man or woman comes out as gay or lesbian. We all face the pressure to conform but it is not constant, however for a trans-person it is constant. For some of us it is 24/7. For many transsexuals, transition is just as the word implies, they pass from one gender to another and then fades back into society. They are lucky ones who can pass and not be “read” as trans, but for many others who do not pass or are often are read as trans, it is as Shakespeare said, “All the world's a stage” and we are the actors on that stage and we, the actors, face harsh critics each day. By our actions the whole trans-community will be judge, we will be the model for the transgender community whether we want to or not be the poster girl for the trans-community.

Society has a million of ways to show its disproval of those who transgress the gender norms, from snide comments, to little boxes on forms, __ Male __ Female. There are so many little thinks that create tiny little push backs each day, that mount up to a constant nagging pressure that never let you forget your transgressions. I saw a video once, there were a bunch of about 5 year-olds playing, the boys in one side of the room with their trucks and on the other side of the room the girls were playing with their dolls. One little boy was playing with the girls and this other little boy, too his hand and brought him back over with the boys, no words were said he just took his hand and brought him back to where he belonged. That is social pressure being taught, subtle but effective. We learned at a very early age that we have to play a different actor in order to survive, that of a little boy.

Sarah Hoffman writes in Salon in her article “My son, the pink boy” that

A random mom on the playground, looking serious and a little bit concerned, asks me, "Do you think your son might grow up to be gay?"

It's never crossed my mind. Really. Not since that last Random Mom asked me five minutes ago.

Watching Sam on the monkey bars, his long hair blowing in the wind, I say, "I don't know. He's always just liked feminine things."

Random Mom looks at me like she knows something I don't.

That is societal pressure, that gentle little hints, the little smirks, they all pass the message along that you crossed that invisible line. I learned my lesson quickly and well; no one ever guessed that I was trans. O learned my part in the play. I learned that society disproves of those who transgressed the gender norm and I feinted my masculinity well. We learn to act on the world stage quickly. Now I face that pressure again every day, not as an actor on a stage, but more like a model on a runway where all the eyes are on you.

For some of us it gets to hard to bear. There was a sports writer in California who transitioned and for reason only he knew, he detransitioned and a few months later committed suicide. We don’t know why he did it, but my guess it was because it was the pressure to conform. Being a sports writer must have been hard to deal with male athletes all day and when he transitioned back, he couldn’t live with himself as a male. That’s my theory.

I get comments all the time that I’m so brave, I just don’t know how to answers them. On one hand I know what they mean, but on the other I know that if I didn’t transition, I would have lived my life in sadness never having fulfilled life. I would have just been an actor on a stage.