AM Johnson and S Taylor-Brown
Social Work Education Reporter, 1997
Social Work Education Reporter, 1997
That is how my textbook on Human Behavior in the Micro Environment begins; it goes to the heart of my pensiveness. Not many people give their gender much thought, but I have. It has been one year since I transitioned and accord to the medical standards of care; I am eligible for surgery…
…eligibility requirement is: a person must live full time in the preferred gender for twelve months prior to genital surgery. To meet this criterion, the professional needs to document that the real-life experience has occurred for this duration.
http://www.wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf
The questions are. Am I ready? Moreover, do I want to have the surgery?
This past year has been a rollercoaster for me with unbelievable high and gut retching lows. At times, it has been very stressful. I have found this year to be truly rewarding leading me down paths that I could only imagine a couple of years ago. If you told me back in 1999 that I would be walking the halls of Congress, lobbying in the sate Capital, taking part in panel discussion before an audience of a couple of hundred of people or meeting people that have changed the course of human rights, I would have asked you if I could have some of what you were smoking. But all that still does not answer the question, am I ready?
After a year of living full time as a trans-woman I feel no different that I did before I transitioned, I am still me. I wrote this poem before I transitioned…
Trans-
I look in the mirror and I see a man.
I blink, and I see a woman.
But, I am I.
I don’t feel any different.
How can I be both?
Can both survive?
Will one have to be destroyed, in order for the other to live?
Will I still be me?
I think I can answer that now; yes, I am still the person I was before I transitioned.
Before I was stressed out because I was living two lives, my public life and “Diana” life, that stress caused me to have medical complications with my heart. I now worry about the stress of being called “Sir” on the phone. I received a call the other day asking for “Diana” and I replied, “I am Diana” she didn’t believe and thought I was my brother and she went on about how she did believe me. Now when I have to call the credit card company I expect to be transferred over to security. I worry about the stress of having to deal with idiots. I went to the local hardware store to get my propane tank filled for the seasons, I asked at the lumber counter about getting the tank filled and they directed me to the front counter. As I was walking up to the front of the building, I could hear them giggling and when I came back, I could hear them saying them say, “He’s coming back.” I worry about using the bathroom, when I am in the women’s bathroom, I do not talk in the bathroom because I worry about my deep voice. Most women have absolutely no problem with me using the women’s room but I worry about that one time when someone challenges me. I worry that this stress might bring back my medical problems cause by this stress.
I have met many new friends in the LGBT community and I have met many new friends in the straight community. They have welcomed me as Diana for who I am. I have found that the vast majority of people are friendly and open. As a man, I do not think any stranglers ever started a conversation with me, as a trans-woman I had strangers ask me questions or start a conversation which I am still getting use to.
However, I still see myself as that shy person who sits over in the corner by himself or herself watching the world go by them. I still feel that I have not changed and the world has not changed around me. I do not feel like I am a woman but at the same time I do not feel like I am a man, I just feel like me. I do not feel that this is a new paradigm, but still the same paradigm that I looked through all my life. I feel that I am still looking through the same set of lens.
So that question that I am asking is, should I have the surgery or wait until this rollercoaster settles down in to a smoother ride? For now, I think I am going to differ surgery for another year.
kdjiHi Di,
ReplyDeleteFirst, congrats on your one year anniversary on legally being Diana!!! Yay!!!
Now the surgery question....the correct answer is whatever you decide...it's a personal choice.
I ask myself about surgery and this is what I come up with...
Is having the surgery important to me? For me, no. I already feel good about myself.
Will having the surgery make me feel like a woman? For me, no. I already feel like I am a woman.
Would having a vagina enable me to do what a woman can do that I can't do now? Yes, of course! Then I could have penal/vaginal intercourse but let's face it, will that happen if I have the surgery? Most likely, no.
Would having the surgery make me feel complete? No. I don't think I could ever feel complete even with the surgery unless I could go back to being a baby girl and live my life as female from the beginning. That's not going to happen.
Do I despise my penis? No. I don't really like it but it doesn't really bother me.
Do I feel a need to remove my penis? No.
Truthfully I forget that i even have one most of the time. Only when I dress/undress do I think about it.
Will the surgery change anything in my life? Yes, if I consider wearing tighter clothes around that area. No, because I will not realistically wear tighter clothes in that area.
Will having the surgery legally make me a woman. No, I already am legally a woman. Oh maybe not Social Security wise but does that really matter to me? No.
Would I like to have a vagina? Yes.
Would I mind spending the $20K to have it. Yes, that is a lot of money to me.
Do I worry about if the surgery isn't quite perfect or that things may cause me new inconveniences healthwise? Yes. There are a number of things that can go wrong.
Do I worry about the pain of surgery? No.
If I had the surgery might I not keep up with dilating and ultimately might my vagina close up? Yes, that could very well happen.
Would I ever want my penis back? No.
So that's the conversation with myself on my thoughts on surgery. I am resigned to being a non-op but I am really ok with it.
I think the biggest thing in my gender journey was the decision to live full time as a woman. Having the surgery I think just might enhance the journey, but then again, nobody really knows what you have between your legs and most will never find out unless you tell them. I guess to me it's just not important for any reason to have the surgery. But then again, I have always been different from most of the other girls.
But everyone is different and the decision is yours and yours alone.
Good luck!
Luvs,
Deja