My Story Part 68 – Downers

Those of you who have been following my blog have only followed the latter years of my transition, the early years have not always been so positive. One of the things that I had to deal with is harassment. Maybe because when I was first coming out I had that deer in the headlight look, but early in my transition, I was harassed much more then I am now. They were setbacks in my transition and one left a lasting scar.

One of the first times I was harassed was at our support group’s banquet. I was walking through the lobby of the hotel where we were having the banquet in East Windsor. There were a number of big rigs parked in the lot and there were a number of truck drives who stayed over at the hotel. Well I was walking through the lobby to the banquet and this truck driver took a look at me and said, “What the fuck are you!” and started laughing so hard that he fell down. That night at the banquet, I was down all night. In this picture that a friend snapped at the banquet, you can see the sadness in my face.

Another time was when I was going to a uniTy meeting at the hospital where they use to hold their meetings. I took a crowded elevator and when I got off and the doors closed, I could hear everyone on the start to laugh. The laughter faded away as the elevator moved to the next floor.

The worst time was when I wasn’t even dressed, I was in male clothes and with my brother at a mall. However, I was on hormones for a couple of years and my face was starting to take on a more feminine features. As we were walking out of the mall we passed a bunch of teenagers sitting on a bench, one of them got up and approached us. He came within inches of my face and he made a kissing sound with his lips. I didn’t known what he was going to do, rob us, assault us, I was scared and frighten and I felt embarrassed for my brother all at the same time. That he had to witness it. Adrenalin kicked in, producing the fight or flight syndrome which etched it into my subconscious.

Now I am nervous around teenagers, almost to the point of a phobia. Last Friday, as part of a class project, I had to visit a GSA (Gay, Straight Alliance) club at a high school and my anxiety level was skyrocketing at my internship as I thought about going over to the high school. I tried every way to hint that I wanted an escort going into the school without tell them outright that I was scared. We were suppose to meet outside and then go on together, but they went in when they got there, waiting for me inside. So I walked in by myself, past bunches of students standing outside waiting for rides to meet them.

However, I wouldn’t change anything. The harassment made me stronger and it also lead to me becoming an activist. The harassment has all but disappeared, but some of the scares will take time to heal. So if you are with me and we come upon teenagers, if you see me tense up, you know why.