Transitioning Late In Life

Yup, That’s Me
I transitioned late in life at 59 years old. The day I got laid off was the day I transitioned.

Transitioning later in life can feel isolating. One social group wants to change that
NPR
By Margaret Cirino
March 16, 2023

When Bernie Wagenblast went to her first PROUDLY Me! meeting, she had no plans to transition.

She was in her late 50s, working as a radio announcer and using what she calls her "guy voice." Then, she found the New Jersey-based support group for trans and nonbinary people of all ages. "I started it with the hope that it would be enough," says Wagenblast, "and I wouldn't have to go any further."

At the time, her biggest fear with fully, publicly coming out was losing her life partner.

It's a big fear for many older trans people who aren't out, says Leigh Mann, a gender-affirming voice therapist and the former co-facilitator of PROUDLY Me!. Mann says that when people weigh the risks of coming out, "there's a calculus that happens – and it's unique for every person." Personal safety, for example, is part of everyone's calculus. When you pair that with the jeopardy of losing your spouse, contact with your children, or even your job, "it just gets exponentially more complicated."

I know a number of trans people who transitioned late in life and many of them are or were married and it is hard for both of them. Some stayed together and others broke about, and one couple broke apart but came back together.

"This person who was and is my best friend is no longer part of my daily life. That's terribly difficult," she says. "But friendships have become far more important in my life."

I can only imagine that it is extremely hard on both. There is no easy solution.

Friendships like the one she has with Brownstein, who's 77. Wagenblast and Brownstein belong to a close group of trans women who will regularly get together for dinner and drinks. "Just a group of girls going out to spend a nice evening together," says Brownstein.

Yup, that is us. There are four of us retirees who get together monthly for lunch, last Wednesday we went to lunch at Westbrook Lobster, and before that an Italian restaurants. In another group I am the only one who is retired so we go out at night on weekends to dinner.

On the flipside, they've also learned from younger members to be less concerned with passing. "They're like, 'I will dress how I want. If I want to be a trans man or transmasculine, it doesn't mean I have to wear a suit and tie. If I want to wear a skirt, I'll wear a skirt.' They're defining themselves, and not letting the world tell them who to be or how to be."

I don’t care if I pass or not, what I see important is how they treat you. When I first came out “passing” was the golden ring on the merry-go-round. That was the Holy Grail. But I have since realized that I really don’t care if they “read me” but rather if they just let me live me life.