Many Don’t Last, But Others Last A Lifetime

When it comes to trans marriages there are no rules, it is only what works for you and your spouse and sometimes no common ground can be found.

Reinventing a relationship when one spouse reveals they’re transgender
The Rev. Donnie Anderson and Debbie Jamieson have spent the last year on parallel journeys of self-discovery after Donnie’s announced intention to transition to a woman.
The Providence Journal
By Karen Lee Ziner
December 14, 2018

NORTH KINGSTOWN — In August 2017, the Rev. Donald C. Anderson set an inescapable deadline. The women’s clothes from Kohl’s were due to arrive any day.

There was no way out: Donald’s wife, Debbie, would finally have to learn a secret that had been buried like a stone in the sea.

On the morning of Aug. 20, Donald asked Debbie to sit down: there was something to tell her. As usual, Debbie chose the living room sofa, Donald the rocking chair. Family photos reflecting 23 years of marriage — a second marriage for each — surrounded them.

Donald, then 69 and executive minister of the Rhode Island State Council of Churches, searched for nuance and grace, but found none.
[…]
“Death by a thousand needles,” Donnie recalls. “Salt in the wound,” Debbie says.

Debbie pleaded, tried to bargain: ”‘Do you have to do this? Can’t you just do this on weekends, at home?’

For spouses it can be a nightmare and overwhelming at first. She sought help in understanding from a lesbian couple.

“I couldn’t stop crying. Couldn’t stop crying,” says Debbie. “They were very compassionate, very loving. They were like, ‘Emotional intimacy in a marriage is much more important.’ I kept saying, ’I like men. I am very comfortable with my gender. I know who I am. I don’t want a wife. ... I didn’t sign up for that.”
[…]
As Debbie says, “It’s been painful because we’ve lost friends ... There are some people who we were close to who are probably going to drift out of our lives. I can look at them and say, ’Don was with you when your mother died. He was with you when you had cancer. ... He was with you when you had life-threatening surgery ...

“It’s not right. We have to do better as a society in not judging.”

I have never married but I have watched many couple move through this troubled time.

Some have worked it out, some have ended up in divorce, some have divorced and then got married again; each forging their own paths because each journey is unique.

Two days later, they appeared before Judge Brian A. Fielding at the North Kingstown Probate Court, a small, quiet room in Town Hall.

Donnie’s petition requested a name change from “Donald Carl Anderson” to “Donnie Anderson.” Debbie’s requested a return to her maiden name: Jamieson.

“The judge was very nice, kind and compassionate. He knew what the case was. He told Donnie, ‘I’ve seen your story, I read your story. I just want to tell you how courageous and brave I think you are,’” Debbie recalls. “Then Don started to cry.”

The judge turned to Debbie, addressed her by her new-old name, and expressed admiration.

It sounds like they had an excellent judge!

I am friends with a couple whose wife says she misses holding hands and walking down the street, now they get harassed, and she misses falling asleep on her husband’s shoulder on a train. I know of a lesbian couple where they stayed together but she had to adjust to being a straight couple and they lost some of their lesbian friends.

Let’s face it transitioning is hard on everyone and there is no easy way to do it.