The Straw That Broke The Camel’s Back

I get misgendered all the time and sometimes you can tell it is on purpose and most of the time you let it roll off of you and you don’t want to make a stand but,

You pretend it doesn't bother you but you just want to explode*

And other times it is just one too many jabs.

Misgendering The Transgender Community: Simply Not So Simple
The Rainbow Times
By: Nicole Lashomb/Editor-in-Chief—
September 6, 2018

My intensely personal experience with the transgender community, in the most intimate way possible, has made me keenly aware of how damaging societal constructs, personal bias and blatant carelessness toward gender-identity can be, whether intended or not.

I’ve witnessed the destruction, chaos, and first-hand despair that those involved in a transgender person’s life can cause—whether it be through a personal relationship, business relationship or as an acquaintance at the supermarket. Such turmoil can be caused by things that the cisgender world thinks is a simplistic mistake. Yet, one of those “simplistic mistakes” can literally mean the difference between wellbeing and even death.

Pronouns: A Big Deal
Misgendering a person who’s transgender may not seem like a big deal for those responsible for the misgendering, but such careless actions often wreak havoc on the psyche of the transgender affected individual. That damage can lead to decreased self-worth and self-esteem, a feeling of invisibility of living as their authentic selves, which could lead many in this community to experience increased depression and even suicide. That doesn’t even include the peril one puts a transgender person’s life is when this misgendering occurs in front of others that could be transphobic or wish to do harm to the trans person. Something as “simple” as misgendering isn’t so simple after all. The more that I’ve witnessed this, the more pain I see trans people suffer through because of the thoughtless behavior of others, and the more outraged I become, especially with something as “simple” as misgendering.

Misgendering comes in two forms, according to David Moulton, a registered therapist and Canadian certified counselor—intentional and unintentional.

It is the intentional that really hurt, you know it is intentional because of the look they give you, or the tone of their voice… “Thank you SIR” with that little grin.

When I do training I cover microaggressions and how misgendering even unintentionally can hurt over time, you might think we are overreacting but you might be the thirtieth person to do it that day.

“Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you” was probably not written by  someone who has been harassed every day. Words do hurt.

The consequences
A 2014 study in the journal, Self and Identity, researchers asked transgender people about misgendering and their experiences around it.

• 32.8 percent of participants reported feeling very stigmatized when misgendered.
• Those who were misgendered more frequently felt that their identity was very important, but experienced lower self-esteem around their appearance.
• They also had a reduced sense of strength and continuity in their identity.

[…]
It is dangerous

Not only does the misgendering impact the personal well-being of the transgender person and those who love them, it literally affects the physical safety of such a person as well.

Your words, intentional or not, could end up being the catalyst for the trans person experiencing greater harassment and discrimination or even losing their life or the lives of those that love them. It can certainly be that grave as history has taught us. Otherwise, there would be no need for the Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR).

In my training I show this video…

* Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page”