On Being Cynical

One thing I don’t like is that I have become suspicious person.

Yesterday I waited almost an hour for my order of a quesadilla at the bar in Ocean Beach Park; was it because I am trans? Did she not submit my order hoping I would leave? Or was it because they were so busy? The couple who came and sat next to me got their order in 15 minutes.

Laughter can set me off; when I hear laughter I look around to see if they are laughing at me.

When I see someone taking a picture of me I am immediately suspicious.

I am not alone, many trans people face the same kind of harassment and they have become cynical also.

I always remember the lines from the Bob Seger song “Turn the Page” that goes…

Well you walk into a restaurant strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you as you're shakin' off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you but you just want to explode
Most times you can't hear 'em talk, other times you can
All the same old cliches, "Is that a woman or a man?"
And you always seem outnumbered; you don't dare make a stand

We do a lot of pretend that it doesn’t bother you but it does.

I was on phone for customer support I corrected the guy a number of times for misgender me but he always went back to using male pronouns. Was it on purpose? Or did my voice trigger him using male pronouns. The guy in the store who was also helping fix the problem with my cell phone was using female pronouns but then he started slipping and using male pronouns as we talked to customer support.

People say don’t let it bother you and you try not to but it does get under your skin.

The more you do not fit into society the more society pushes back.

That is societal pressure to conform.

Back in grad school I had to read The Social Animal by Elliot Aronson and write a paper about one chapter, I chose the chapter on Conformity…

I believe that Aronson had several theories in mind when he wrote the chapters on Conformity, some of the factors are; wanting to belong, wanting to be accepted, the need to be part of the social group and the need to be wanted. All of these factors interplay on one another to produce a strong desire to conform to what we believe that our family, friends, and organizations or groups that are a part of our daily lives. Some of our worst fears are not being loved or not being liked or to be left out in the cold to fend for ourselves.
[…]
Compare and contrast it to any other theory discussed in class
A third area that pertains to conformity is also mentioned by Schriver (1998) when he list the stages of Kohlberg model; stages 3 and 4. Where stage 3 focuses on good relations and the approval of others and stage 4 is about our desire to conform to social norms. This is a good example of how both Aronson and Kohlberg both agree that a part of growing up is learning how to conform. I once saw on television in one of those programs like: Dateline, 20/20 or 48 Hours where these children about 4 -6 years old were playing. Boys on one side of the room playing with their trucks, the girls on the other side of the room playing with their dolls and this boy wandered over to play with the girls. The boys came over and got him and lead him back to the boy’s side of the room. That is social pressure to conform, a not so subtle slap on the wrist. And that I think that was the point of Aronson’s book on conformity; that we will do anything to avoid that preverbal slap on the wrist or being pushed out of the group. When a person does not conform to our expected gender roles they pay for it on the playground where many of the boys who do not behave as a “boy” are bullied or denied admission to the social groups in the schools.

Why I Chose the Chapter on Conformity 
It was a toss up between the chapter on Conformity and Prejudice, both of them affect me personally but I chose Conformity because it is about us, not what is done to us. Even though the Trans-community does have its prejudices, we are more a victim of prejudice. However conformity is something that all of us in the trans-community have in common that we have to overcome in ourselves in order to be whole. It is the fear of what will our family say or what will the neighbors say or what will…. the list just keeps going on and on, every time we walk out of the house we face the results of non-conforming. The social pressures to conform builds up in us until we reach a point where we say, “Screw You World” and are able to break the hold that the desire to conform has on us.

It is that preverbal slap on the wrist that makes me cynical.

Oh, and the at the bar yesterday, I am 99 percent certain it wasn't on purpose but that sliver of one percent doubt is still there eating way.