A Tale Of Two Families

We know from research and our own empirical observations that having a supporting family makes all the difference in the world. Here are two families, one supportive and the other not.

My dad uninvited us from Christmas dinner because my kid is transgender
We shared the news so he and and my mom would use my daughter's new name and preferred pronouns. In response, he shut us out completely.
Today’s Parent
By Rev. Michelle Scrimgeour-Brown
December 21, 2020


The last time I had a face-to-face conversation with my father was December 22, 2018. On that day, I told him that we had recently learned his first grandchild, who was 14 years old, was transgender and that her name was now Layla. Our last text exchange was just two days later, when I reminded him of her chosen name and correct pronouns.

It’s been a tradition in our family—at least since I met my Newfoundlander husband—to have a fish fry for Christmas Eve dinner. Every year, my family would come for dinner on Christmas Eve and Mitchell would cook us up a “scoff,” as the Newfoundlanders say. In advance of this dinner, I messaged both of my parents on a group text to remind them of what we had talked about. I was nervous, because when I’d told my father about Layla two days before, he’d said nothing in response. And he had not said anything in the two days since. I didn’t know where he stood.
[…]
My father’s response? “She’s a he and if you don’t knock it off, I won’t come.”
[...]
“Let me be clear,” I responded. “If you cannot try, then you are not welcome.”

And that was the last we spoke. He did not come for our Christmas Eve fish fry dinner. In fact, he had my mom text my sister at 8:15 p.m. that night so that she could tell me that my family was no longer welcome for Christmas dinner at his house the following day. In response, I did what any parent like me would do: I went to my deep freezer, found what meat was there and took it out to thaw for Christmas dinner. In the end, we didn’t need it, because the next day, my mom was at our door with the whole of the Christmas dinner for us to cook and share at home, together as a family.

We know that it is hard for our family to accept us but as she wrote…

“This is an adjustment, I know,” I said. “You’re going to slip up, just like the rest of us. What matters is that we try.”

We know it is hard, we had all our lives to think about it, for family it came out of the blue, my family slipped but they were trying and that is what counts.

That first Christmas in 2018 was full of sadness for me. Layla asked me about her grandfather and when I told her that he was not coming because he wasn’t accepting, do you know what my sweet, loving child said to me? “He just needs more time, Mom.” All the tears that I worked so hard to rein in just burst forth in that moment. “He just needs more information,” Layla continued, looking at me with eyes full of love. “It’s gonna be OK.”

Then in another family…

A Love Letter To My Granddaughter (Who I Knew As My Grandson Until 5 Weeks Ago)
“As my thoughts and heart transition to embrace this new you, please know one thing isn’t changing ― I love you.”
Huff Post
By Maryann Durmer
December 25, 2020


[…]
My granddaughter came out five weeks ago. When I heard the news, I texted her: “I talked to your dad last night. I’m so happy you came out, and I support you 100%. I just wanted to stop by and tell you I love you. If there’s anything I can do to help you, I’m here.”

I spent the past six months thinking she might be transitioning, and it brought me great relief to see her reveal herself as the vibrant young woman she envisioned and was destined to be.
[…]
Maybe, in some cases, understanding a transgender person is easier for a non-family member. There are no emotional bonds and no history with that person to look back on and reminisce about. But when it’s your grandchild who is transgender, it’s complicated. I worry that I may do or say something wrong by accident. Saying a new name after knowing a person for 20-plus years isn’t easy. It’s not just about my granddaughter changing. It’s also that I have no “how-to” manual for processing my memories of my former grandson. All I know is that I love my granddaughter.
[…]
I cannot walk in my granddaughter’s shoes, but I can do my best to continue reaching out with kindness and acceptance, praying that she is protected from the hate and intolerance often expressed openly by people in the state where she lives. I hope that she can move forward in the way that is most meaningful to her.

In this season of family and love let us remember all those who do not have a family to go to this holiday season and through out the year.