The Question That Is Always Asked

When I do an “Outreach” at a college there are several questions that are always asked and one of them is “Are you gay?” I always reply how do define “Gay” and they always come back with “Do you like men?” To that I reply that would make me straight. For a trans-person straight or homosexual takes on a whole other meaning. We see this in this article,

Does dating a Transgender woman make a guy gay?
The Canadian
Date: 08 August 2011
By: by Gregory Martin

The short answer is NO. Let me personally make clear the reason why males who date transsexuals aren't gay. Firstly, it must be known that every man has their very own likes and dislikes in terms of sexuality and emotional companionship. Many "straight" men are not as straight as they say they're, but that doesn't necessarily make them gay or bisexual. Simply due to the fact society likes to label people with straight, gay or bisexual doesn't mean everyone suits those categories. In the Transgender Dating world those terms don't always match up to reality.

Additonally, transgenderism has nothing related to sexual orientation.
[…]
In conclusion I applaud those men who're not afraid to say they would rather date transsexuals and do not be worried about what society will think. But please be aware how the greatest sacrifice is made by those people who are transgendered [note: most people, at least here in the US, think that it is wrong to add an “ed” to transgender] and have to struggle with the constant abuse which society and ignorant males prey upon them .

While I agree with most of he says, he is only looking at from one perspective, a man who dates a trans-woman. However, there are those trans-women who like to date women and the same is true for trans-men, some like to date women and others like to date men. There are some men who only like to date pre-op trans-women who can pass [not be identified as transgender by other people] and once they have the operation, they want nothing to do with her and drop her. I think because they are in denial that they are homosexual. The men who only like to date pre-op trans-women who can pass in the trans-community we have a name for them, “Tranny Chasers” and some of them do so because no one will think that they are gay. This can lead to violence against the trans-woman if the friends of the man find out that he is dating a trans-woman. This is what happened with Angie Zapata when her boyfriend friends found out he was dating a trans-woman, he beat her to death.

It can also be hard on married couples, many of them end up in a divorce but not all of them and for the ones who stay together they face their own unique problems.

Goodbye husband, hello wife
He had come to the realization he was a woman with clarity and joy. I reacted with confusion and despair.
Boston Globe
August 09, 2011
By Diane Daniel

I am not a transgendered person, but I am happily married to one. Her name is Lina and she is a “male-to-female’’ transsexual. She is 47, and I am 53.
[…]
After that, we dated, fell in love, lived together, and married.

The things I loved about Wessel are what I love about Lina, and, yes, in a romantic way. She is big-hearted, intelligent, emotionally mature, athletic, and adventurous. She has great legs.

We had been together for almost two years, but married for only two months, when Wessel shared his news. He wanted to be my wife, not my husband.

He had come to this realization with a sense of clarity and joy. I reacted with confusion and despair.
[…]
I detached emotionally and physically. I cried every day. I wondered what else he hadn’t told me. I feared something was wrong with me to attract this kind of mate. I was angry and ashamed.
[…]
“What I fear the most,’’ he said one day, his shoulders shaking with each sob, “is that you’ll see me as a monster or some kind of a freak. That everyone will, but mostly you.’’

That is what kept me in the closet for over 50 years. I worried what my family would think and I wondered if I would accept me.

Overall, our “gender journey’’ has been smooth. The love and support we have felt from nearly everyone in our lives, from Lina’s family to Huck the handyman, have carried us through this
[…]
I believe it was our willingness to be open, vulnerable, and honest that allowed people to see us as real people going through something rare but nonetheless part of the human experience. None of this is to say there are not challenges. For my part, I am now perceived as a lesbian, which doesn’t offend me, but it sure is different. (I did have a relationship with a woman in my early 20s, but I consider myself straight.) I’m partnered with a 6-foot-1-inch woman with size 12 feet and a male voice that she’s working on feminizing. On some days, her face looks more like a husband’s than a wife’s. I would rather it didn’t.

It is hard for any couple to stay together, but it is infinitely harder for a couple where one partner is transgender. I am friends with a couple where the husband transitioned and the wife said that it was hard to be seen as a lesbian couple. The little things that they did like holding hands became a challenge, she could hear people comments about them as they walked down the street holding hands, it was hard on her, but they stuck together. Another couple that I know started off as a lesbian couple and one of them transitioned and all of a sudden they were identified as a straight couple. When they walked in to a lesbian bar, she could hear them say, what are they doing in here? Many of her friends shunned them, it was hard for her to adjust to their new reality (I have learned that after 5 years of marriage, they have gotten a divorce. I don’t know the reason and I don’t know if his transness was a factor).
When a trans-person is looking for a life partner there are so few people who are willing to date a trans-person, that it is a great challenge.