A long, long time ago, back when I was five or six, I didn’t label myself mainly because I didn’t have vocabulary and the language wasn’t invented yet. There was only boy or girl, I knew I wasn’t a girl; however, I felt that I should have been a girl. I never said anything because I knew it was wrong to say that. I liked doing boy things like building forts in the woods and playing with toy trucks, but at the same time I liked being around girls than boys (the photo I think is of a party of some sort).
I remember whenever I saw or read about transsexual in the news, I looked up the word in the unabridged dictionary in the school library and it said, “A perversion” and I knew that wasn’t me. Also when they were portrayed trans-people in movies they were always the sicko murderers. When I heard the word “transvestite” and I looked up the word and it said, “Clothing fetish” and I knew that wasn’t me. Finally I heard the word “crossdresser” and I looked up the word and it wasn’t in the dictionary. And I thought that it sounded like what I did, cross dress, because I knew it wasn’t a perversion or a fetish, so therefore I must be a crossdresser. I just liked crossdressing.
I hid my crossdressing because I knew that society frowned on it and they were the butt of jokes. When I first came out of the closet in 2000, I still identified as a crossdressers, but I slowly started to realize that my feelings might go deeper than just the clothes. However, I avoided saying that I was a transsexual, because I still remember the old definition that I looked up in grade school. However, in 2004 I said the words, I am a transsexual. But it still didn’t feel right.
Now I say, “I am a trans-woman” and that has a more righteous feel, but it still is not a comfortable fit. I am currently experimenting with, “I am a woman with a unique history”, a little wordy, but a more comfortable fit.
But in general, I do not like labels, I am me… a persons with wants and desires and dreams and feels, just like everyone else.
You are a brave woman. I'm learning a lot.
ReplyDeleteI think in general people don't give much careful thought to labels. Perhaps this is due to the fact that they don't have to search for one that fits. If we could all let go of labels and stereotypes our society would be such a better place, in my opinion. None the less I think your final label is beautiful and more substantive than any other. Thank you for sharing your story and bringing light to a complex conversation. I think you have the makings of a book in this blog.
ReplyDeleteHappy Friday!
Peace!