Mirrors

I remember the first time I saw myself as Diana in a mirror; there was something in the reflection that clicked.

My Transgender Life: Optical and Other Illusions
Huffington Gay Voices
By Grace Anne Stevens
Posted: 10/04/2015

Over the years I have been fascinated by my relationship with mirrors and how it has changed.

There were the years when I truly hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I hated that I had to wear glasses to see anything at all; I hated seeing my uncontrollable wavy and curly hair; and yes, as you know by know, I was so confused to see that boy, then man, looking back at me when I sensed that there was something terribly wrong.
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I was taught that what I saw in the mirror was a view of reality. It took me a long time to understand that the mirror was only a two-dimensional representation -- one with no depth at all, of me -- a real multi-dimensional person. It was only an illusion of who I was. Yet, this illusion had so much power that I never knew it was not the true me.

A mirror only sees the surface, it doesn’t see what is inside and that is how the world sees us; they only see what is on the surface not what is in your soul and it is your soul that makes you who you are.

We all play to our images, we have our uniforms that we all wear, that of a business executive, that of a sports fan and many other social uniforms. And we continue to change them throughout the day the business executive goes home and changes into a football fan by putting on a Patriot sweatshirt. Society treats him differently when he is in a business suit then when he is in Patriot sweatshirt and he treats people differently that is what is called mirroring.

I think we face a much bigger mirror each day that is how society sees you, does it reflex back me or is the image distorted? In a research paper “Witnessing and Mirroring: A Fourteen Stage Model of Transsexual Identity Formation" by Aaron H. Devor, PhD he writes,

Each of us has a deep need to be witnessed by others for whom we are. Each of us wants to see ourselves mirrored in others’ eyes as we see ourselves. These interactive processes, witnessing and mirroring, are part of everyone’s lives. When they work well, we feel validated and confirmed–our sense of self is reinforced (Poland, 2000). When the messages which one receives back from others do not match how one feels inside, various kinds of psychological distress and maladaptive behaviors can result. When the situation is especially severe it can lead to psychotic and/or suicidal behaviors.

I believe that most of the time the reflection that society me is that of Diana, a woman. Once in a while it reflexes back a trans woman and but once in even a greater while society reflection smash me. When that happens it can bring me down in a blink of an eye and it takes a while to build up my self-esteem.

Ms. Stevens goes on to write,

Were the optical illusions I saw reflected really me? I wanted this to be true, oh I wanted it so much, but was so confused, so afraid and so full of shame. I knew these feeling were not illusions. I took picture after picture in the mirror to prove her existence. I would look at the pictures over and over to prove her existence. A battle was raging within me as to whether the male version or female version of me was the reality or the illusion. As I have mentioned before, deep down I always knew the answer, but the confusion, fear and shame would not let that answer bubble to the surface for many more years.

I know the answer for me; Diana is the true image of my soul.