Today (June 29) marks the sixth anniversary of my transition. It was six years ago at 11:00AM when I was laid off, I went home and took off my male clothes for the last time.
Do I have any regrets?
No, they are more like wishes. I wish that I could pass better, I joke that if you can’t tell that I’m trans within ten feet than you need glasses and a hearing aid. I wish that I could change my voice to sound more feminine, I’m forever getting “sired” on the phone. I wish that I had bigger boobs. And I wish that I had hair and didn’t have to wear a wig all the time.
I wish that I could say that it was smooth sailing but it wasn’t, there have been a lot of ups and downs but whose life doesn’t have ups and downs. I just have different ups and downs. I generally feel that my life is better since I transitioned; I am doing more with my life. I have made many new friends and I also went back to college and got my Master’s in Social Work.
Some of the problems that I had were carried over after my transition; I still have a hard time socializing, I still don’t like crowds and I don’t like going someplace on my own (I think those are a little worst since I transitioned because now I stand out.). I do feel that these problems are related to my trans-ness because it was a defensive mechanism to hide a part of myself, I never let anyone get close to me.
I think in one way my health is better. I used to have panic attacks, I don’t have them anymore. I used to live in fear of being discovered and I was afraid that I would be disowned by my family and that built up stress in my life which I think contributed to my panic attacks. I developed diabetes and there are some research that says it is linked to cross-gender hormones, but I don’t think so; I think it had more to do with my love for apple turnovers and drinking a couple cans of soda a day.
A friend asked me why didn’t I come out to my friends earlier and I think the answer is the timing wasn’t right. I think if I came out say thirty years earlier I would probably be living on the street right now and also back then I would have had to lie to my therapist and tell them that I am attracted to men. Because back then you couldn’t transition unless you could be assimilated into society. You had to pass and be heterosexual. Also I don’t know how my friends would have felt back then, some would have accepted me but I don’t know about others. When I didn’t come out to them one friend said I was the third person that he knew who transitioned.
So how would I rate my life since transition? I’ll give it a 8.793 on a scale of 1 to 10.
Do I have any regrets?
No, they are more like wishes. I wish that I could pass better, I joke that if you can’t tell that I’m trans within ten feet than you need glasses and a hearing aid. I wish that I could change my voice to sound more feminine, I’m forever getting “sired” on the phone. I wish that I had bigger boobs. And I wish that I had hair and didn’t have to wear a wig all the time.
I wish that I could say that it was smooth sailing but it wasn’t, there have been a lot of ups and downs but whose life doesn’t have ups and downs. I just have different ups and downs. I generally feel that my life is better since I transitioned; I am doing more with my life. I have made many new friends and I also went back to college and got my Master’s in Social Work.
Some of the problems that I had were carried over after my transition; I still have a hard time socializing, I still don’t like crowds and I don’t like going someplace on my own (I think those are a little worst since I transitioned because now I stand out.). I do feel that these problems are related to my trans-ness because it was a defensive mechanism to hide a part of myself, I never let anyone get close to me.
I think in one way my health is better. I used to have panic attacks, I don’t have them anymore. I used to live in fear of being discovered and I was afraid that I would be disowned by my family and that built up stress in my life which I think contributed to my panic attacks. I developed diabetes and there are some research that says it is linked to cross-gender hormones, but I don’t think so; I think it had more to do with my love for apple turnovers and drinking a couple cans of soda a day.
A friend asked me why didn’t I come out to my friends earlier and I think the answer is the timing wasn’t right. I think if I came out say thirty years earlier I would probably be living on the street right now and also back then I would have had to lie to my therapist and tell them that I am attracted to men. Because back then you couldn’t transition unless you could be assimilated into society. You had to pass and be heterosexual. Also I don’t know how my friends would have felt back then, some would have accepted me but I don’t know about others. When I didn’t come out to them one friend said I was the third person that he knew who transitioned.
So how would I rate my life since transition? I’ll give it a 8.793 on a scale of 1 to 10.
Well, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
ReplyDeleteBeing who you are supposed to be is pretty cool, isn't it? I'd give that a 10.
Have a great weekend!
Happy Transaversary! :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to celebrate many more.
ReplyDeleteMiss ya,
Ashley
Sorry I missed this post... Happy Anniversary!! :-)
ReplyDelete