When Your Child Transitions

There was an article in the Toronto Globe and Mail the other day about a mother whose daughter transitioned.

Mourning a daughter, celebrating a son

Adriana Barton
Sunday, Aug. 30, 2009 07:40PM EDT

If there's one thing a mother never dreams her daughter will say, it's “Mommy, I want to be a boy.”

When Julia O'Dwyer heard these words, she couldn't dismiss them as a tomboy phase because her 12-year-old daughter had rejected girls' clothing and toys for years, she says. So instead, the Vancouver mother of three consoled her eldest child and waited for what came next.

Months later, her daughter came home from school and announced she was transgender.
…
Few parents are as open-minded, however. For many, it takes years of family therapy and support from other parents before they can accept a change in a child's gender, according to mental health professionals.

“What you're really losing is your dream of what your child was going to be,” says Melady Preece, a Vancouver psychologist who works with transgender youth and their families.
…
Some parents disown their child, Dr. Preece says. She has seen marriages break down when parents disagree about treatment options, and relatives withdraw from parents who help a child make the transition to the new gender.
“The very worst problem is when parents feel that somehow this brings shame on the family,” she says.
In other cases, parents try so hard to support their transgender child that they bury their own feelings. Anne Hines, a Toronto author, says she couldn't talk about her own experiences for several years after her 17-year-old son came out as a young woman named Jade.

“I needed to be there for her with her issues,” she recalls.

As her child prepared for gender-reassignment surgery last fall, however, her emotions came to the surface. “I absolutely had to mourn the loss of a son,” says Ms. Hines, who describes the event in her forthcoming book,
…
She and her husband spread the word to friends and family in a Christmas newsletter, “knowing that this would be a newsletter that would not soon be forgotten” Although some people distanced themselves, she says, the couple discovered they had chosen their friends “very well.”
…
“For me, one of the biggest joys has been the day I realized that I said ‘my son' without having to think about it and without mentally adding the word ‘trans' in front.”

I think that this article brings home the angst that a transgender child brings to the family when they are torn apart trying to do the right thing for their child. It was a hard decision for me to make and it must be an even harder decision for a parent to make.

My one problem with the article is that they cite some statistics that I believe are unsupported, such as “1 in 12 transgender people in America is murdered.” I do not know of any scientific studies that have been done in those areas.


Resources:
TransYouth Family Allies
TYFA empowers children and families by partnering with educators, service providers and communities, to develop supportive environments in which gender may be expressed and respected. We envision a society free of suicide and violence in which ALL children are respected and celebrated.
http://www.imatyfa.org/

True Colors
True Colors works to create a world where youth, adults and families of all sexual orientations and gender identities are valued and affirmed. We challenge all forms of oppression through education, training, advocacy, youth leadership development, mentoring and direct services to youth and those responsible for their well-being.
http://www.ourtruecolors.org/

Mermaids - Great Britain
We aim to support children and teenagers up to age 19, who are trying to cope with gendeer identity issues. In support of this one aim, we also intend to: offer support to parents, families, carers, and others, raise awareness about gender issues amongst professionals (e.g. teachers, doctors, social services, etc.,) and the general public and campaign for the recognition of this issue and the increase in professional services.
http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/