I Sometimes Laugh When A Doctor Asks About My Love Life

It is very hard for trans people to find love, but it is like I describe it… lighting does hit people once in awhile.

Life As Transgender: Looking For Love
WBUR NPR
September 10, 2016

Dear Sugar Radio is a weekly podcast from member station WBUR. Hosts Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed offer "radical empathy" and advice on everything from relationships and parenthood to dealing with drug problems or anxiety.

Today, the Sugars are joined by the visual artist and writer Cooper Lee Bombardier, who is a transgender man. In the second of two posts about living as a transgender person, the Sugars respond to a transgender man who sometimes feels that love is out of reach.

Dear Sugars,
How do I get over the fear that I'll never find love? When I type that out, it seems absurd, even to me. I know many people feel the same way at times and that people who open themselves up to love are generally likely to find it. But I don't feel that to be true in my heart, and here's why: I'm a transgender man.
I can't help but feel that being trans makes me an exception to the general rules about love. I know that I'm lovable and deserving of love, but I can't imagine that someone will get through the initial phases of attraction to learn what I have to offer.

The show host wrote,

Cheryl Strayed: As the person who wrote that phrase, "Be a warrior for love," AWFL [Aspiring Warrior for Love, the signature by the trans man], I want to say you are a warrior for love. The whole message is about running into battle without your armor. That's what being a warrior for love is. It's about being vulnerable, it's about taking risks, it's about being brave and emotionally intelligent and not trying to find adversaries. It's trying to really open your heart, and you've done that beautifully.

Cooper Lee Bombardier: I think that it's just part of the process that you go out there without your armor and you get squished, and sometimes I feel a little bit bummed about my failed relationships. But then I also think: Well, where did it bring me in terms of my evolution as a human being and my ability to relate to others? It might not have worked out, but it did push me along on my path of being able to do better.

The willingness to just keep trying is the right thing. So many of us, we have our lists of perceived inadequacies, and we think: Oh, this isn't going to work because I don't have any money, because I'm too short, etc. Spend less time listening to those messages. Spend time in places where people are exhibiting other values.

Well I think that Cooper is right about keep on trying, but I think they just don’t quite understand what we face, Cheryl wrote “We answer this question over and over: Am I too fat to be loved? No. Am I too poor to be loved? No. Am I too fill-in-the-blank to be loved? No. I also think it's true that some people are going to not want to date you…” being trans is so much more than height or weight. The number of people who might date a trans person is slim.

The odds of finding love are probably at par with getting hit by lighting but people do get hit by lighting.

Wait! I that thunder I hear?