Take A Walk On the Dark Side

Those of us who are trans* know about this topic, many of us have been to the same place as the author of the article; however, some of us have not made it back into the light.

The Dark Side of Being Transgender: Having Little Choice
Huffington post
By Danielle Kaufman, M.D.
Posted: 08/02/2013

People outside the trans experience have a truly hard time understanding the magnitude of the task of changing gender expression. No one would ever do this unless they were forced to by their own psychology. I did choose to follow a number of specific steps to change my gender expression; it's just that I was so compelled by inner need that I would say it's not really a choice.

This is so hard that no one would do this if they had any other option. My only other option was to die. And yes, I was prepared to die. I had carefully detailed plans and all the necessary supplies. All I needed were 10 minutes before I went to bed and I wouldn't wake up the next day. I saw it less as suicide and more like euthanasia: I had a medical condition that bordered on unbearable at times.

I am one of the lucky ones who never had any suicidal idealization, for me I was prepared to become a hermit and shut out the world. According to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey: Injustice At Every Turn, 47% of the trans-people surveyed had attempted suicide and the number is even higher if you count those who have thought about it. Since I have come out four trans-people that I knew committed suicide and I lost count of the number of people that I know that have tried.

I've just recently had something explained to me, and it bothers me to think about it. Apparently, some people feel that trans women aren't real women because we had a life of male privilege and then became women. This is wrong on so many levels…

I never was really a “man.” Boys don’t think I wish I had a pretty dress like that. Men don’t pretend to be a man. I felt that I was playing a role, which I had to do this or that to blend in and keep my secret. I grew a beard to hide, to hide from myself and to assimilate in the male world.

As I said last week I sometimes describe myself as a trans-woman living as a woman and before I transitioned I was a trans-woman living as a man.