Before transition: I hated crowds, I hated to go in to a bar unless I knew someone there. I didn’t like fairs or concerts. I never went to any plays or out to dinner. I never traveled. I never knew anyone outside of my high school friends and the employees where I worked. At night I hide Diana from everyone and was worried about being found out, I lived in fear and that stress I believe caused some of my medical problems that I have now.
After transition: Now I go to plays and out to dinner with friends. I have traveled to events from North Carolina to Maine. I know people from around the nation; I know many of the state’s politicians, I know actors and writers and I sit on many committees such as the Safe Schools Coalition. But damn it, I still hate crowds, I still hate to go in to a bar unless I know someone there. I still don’t like fairs or concerts. However, I am working on overcoming my discomfort. I am going to a folk festival in a couple of weeks (depending on the weather) and I have also been working on other little phobias.
Tomorrow I going over to Long Island to stay with a couple of friends for the weekend and we are going out to a party on Fire Island. For me, this is a big challenge because I will only know my hosts there and the rest will be strangers, so it will crank up my phobia anxiety level and pump out the “fight or flight” adrenaline. It is funny here I changed from one gender to another with no problems, I have no problem standing up in front 200 strangers and talking about discrimination or about myself, but put me in a party setting and I become the shy quite one. I am just horrible in a social setting in either gender.
I guess what I am saying is that when you transition, you only change your gender, you are still you. You bring along all the baggage that you had before you transition. You may start doing things that you always wanted to do, like going to plays or out to dinner with friends, but your little quirks stay with you.
So tomorrow begins another adventure that I am looking forward to going on. It will be another huddle to cross and another phobia to conquer.
After transition: Now I go to plays and out to dinner with friends. I have traveled to events from North Carolina to Maine. I know people from around the nation; I know many of the state’s politicians, I know actors and writers and I sit on many committees such as the Safe Schools Coalition. But damn it, I still hate crowds, I still hate to go in to a bar unless I know someone there. I still don’t like fairs or concerts. However, I am working on overcoming my discomfort. I am going to a folk festival in a couple of weeks (depending on the weather) and I have also been working on other little phobias.
Tomorrow I going over to Long Island to stay with a couple of friends for the weekend and we are going out to a party on Fire Island. For me, this is a big challenge because I will only know my hosts there and the rest will be strangers, so it will crank up my phobia anxiety level and pump out the “fight or flight” adrenaline. It is funny here I changed from one gender to another with no problems, I have no problem standing up in front 200 strangers and talking about discrimination or about myself, but put me in a party setting and I become the shy quite one. I am just horrible in a social setting in either gender.
I guess what I am saying is that when you transition, you only change your gender, you are still you. You bring along all the baggage that you had before you transition. You may start doing things that you always wanted to do, like going to plays or out to dinner with friends, but your little quirks stay with you.
So tomorrow begins another adventure that I am looking forward to going on. It will be another huddle to cross and another phobia to conquer.
I don't like crowds, either. I have to coach myself into going to stuff like you mentioned. Once I go I'm glad I went but getting myself ready to go is a challenge.
ReplyDeleteHave fun and enjoy yourself!
Good for you! It takes a lot of courage and I believe that everyone must be who they are...MUST! Thanks for the reminder that we ALL must step out of our 'uncomfortable' and go beyond! (I found your blog through friday fill-in)
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