My Story Part 120 – Deer In The Headlights

There is a discussion going on the WPATH e-list about the value of what is called the Real Life Experience” or RLE. When I was transitioning and even occasionally now (like when I had to go into an auto parts store to buy a new headlight bulb), I had a hard time being out in public in certain locations. But I realized that I had to overcome my uneasiness if I was going to transition, unbeknownst to me I developed many copping skills and it wasn’t until I was researching for an independent studies class that I realized that on my own I had developed some basic copping skills.

One of the people commenting on the e-list discussion said, “It's one thing to appear as someone of the affirmed gender in specific situations where acceptance is highly likely, such as with close friends or at Pride events and such, and another thing entirely to appear as this new person every day in every situation, including those where acceptance is not guaranteed, or where the person may experience the down side of living in the affirmed gender, such as discrimination due to gender or loss of privilege.” And that is so true, without the RLE I would not have been able to develop those copping skills. I wouldn’t have been able to go to the grocery store to buy food or to the shoe story.

When I first went out in public I was scared s***less and it showed, I was read (identified as being transgender) all the time. One time at the support group’s banquet I was walking across the lobby and this truck driver read me and he started laughing so hard that he fell over. Another time when I got off the elevator and doors closed, I could hear that laughter fade away as the elevator went up.

That does happen now, except once in an extremely great while. Why? What is the difference between now and then?

I think the big difference is my confidence. I think people can see your nervousness and that in turn feeds on your fear. Once you gain confidence you start to notice that people pay less attention to you and it becomes a case of positive feedback. That in turn builds you confidence even more and I think that is one of the values of the RLE.

It is also a time to find out if transitioning is really for you; is it who you are inside or is it just a dream? Are you able to handle the stresses in transitioning or are they too much to bear. Will you have a support network or will you just be thrown out to see if you sink or swim?

In studies that looked at “Regret” associated with GCS (Gender Conforming Surgery) only around 1% had regrets and many of those were with the results of their surgery not with their transition. As one report stated,

…it is hard to imagine any other major life decision—whether to have married a specific person, whether to have had children, whether to have pursued a specific occupation—that would yield such an overwhelmingly positive set of subjective outcomes.

I know of only one person who de-transitioned and that was because of financial reasons in that they had to move back in with her in-laws out in the mid-west.

I think that one of the factors in such positive outcomes is the RLE where you are able to develop the needed life skills. For me, my transition when smoothly because I was living as Diana full time except for work and when I retired I was able slip into going fulltime with ease.

In the news there is an article about Warren Buffet’s son,

Warren Beatty's transgender son Stephen 'having second thoughts about taking final step in sex change'

By Daily Mail Reporter
PUBLISHED: 23 May 2012

Warren Beatty's transgender son Stephen Ira, is said to be having 'second thoughts' about taking the final step in his sex change.

According to The National Enquirer, the 20-year-old student and activist 'has put his sex change plans on hold.'
[…]
Although Stephen's parents Warren and Annette Bening are said to have 'finally accepted' his decision to become male, The Enquirer reports that they are 'urging him to take his time and rethink the drastic surgery.'

That is precisely the purpose of the RLE, it to find out your comfort zone. For some, surgery is not necessary that maybe just taking hormones is enough.