Who Transitions?

This morning when I was reading the news I came across a blog on Boston.com about coming out to family members. When I do training one of the things that I talk about is how our transition affects our family members and that we have to tell our family members because it is a little obvious when we go to a family function in our true gender.

When I transitioned so did my whole family and for some it may be hard for them to use the proper pronoun and also calling you sister or brother or aunt or uncle after all those years they have known you. Not only do you have to tell your family but they have to tell their friends if you attend a family function like a wedding or a funeral. When my aunt died and I had to make the arrangements I had to call the funeral director and out myself because I was with my aunt when she made her arrangements before going into the nursing home. After she died I had a heated discussion with my brother about coming out to all of my cousins. Coming out is not one of my favorite things to do, especially to family who you care about because I fear losing them.

So back to the Boston.com blog question,

My brother is married to a transgendered individual. "B" lives as a woman but is still, biologically/physically, a man. When people meet her, it's often obvious to them that she is really a man. "B" has been with my brother for over 15 years now and both my daughters call her "aunt" and do not realize she is a man.

My oldest is 12 and my youngest is 8. I do not want to keep secrets from them ... do I raise the transgendered issue? Do I wait for them to ask? They're going to ask some day, I know and I don't want them to feel like this is a deep dark secret (though my brother and his spouse do not discuss the issue -- ever).

Looking for your advice Barbara. Thanks in advance.

From: LadyDi, Westford, MA

For some of us this is not a problem because if you are like me we are out and do not pass that well (I don’t want to debate the fact that she says that “she is a man”). So what advice would you give?

Would you tell the children? Would you keep it a secret from them? If you would tell them, then when and what would you tell them?

I personally believe that you should tell them. However, I feel you should do it age appropriately, so maybe you what to talk in general terms and then later when they are old enough to understand go into more details.

An article on ABC News 'My Mommy Is a Boy' by Russell Goldman said,

A child who has known his parents as transgender for her entire life will accept it more easily than a child who learns about it when she is older, said Dr. Stephen B. Levine, a psychiatrist who works with transgender parents and the author of "Demystifying Love."

"Will having a transgender parents make a kid crazy? Probably not, especially if the kid learns when he is young," Levine said.

"When children are young, they have an emerging understanding of gender. They label themselves and then begin labeling others. It's much more difficult when a child is a bit older — 9, 10, 11 or a teenager — and has an established sense of gender and then daddy becomes a woman," he said.

And the article goes on to say,

Walter Bockting, a psychologist and coordinator of transgender services at the University of Minnesota's Program in Human Sexuality, said parents need to talk to their children openly and at an age-appropriate level.

"There is not much research on transgender parents. But two studies found children of transgender parents do fine. There is always an adjustment period, especially for older children who know their dad as a man that then becomes a woman."

Even though the article is about a transgender parent, I feel that it is also true for a family member. Keeping a family secret is impossible, sooner or later the secret is going to be told and then you have an additional sense of betrayal to deal with.

I know it is easier said than done. The stigma and shame, the fear of rejection is hard to overcome.