Would you give up your family?
Would you give up your friends?
Would you give up your job?
Would you give up everything in your life that means anything to you?
Can you imagine getting to that point in your life where you are willing to do all that? How would you feel?
I felt that I couldn’t go on leading a double life that I had to be true to myself. The stress built up so much that it landed me in the emergency room with a heart condition due to the anxiety.
Last night I went to a dinner and a presentation on trans-health care and as the presenter was speaking, it made me think about what I was willing to do to survive. Before I transitioned and before I came out, at night I cried myself to sleep thinking about what it would be like to be cut off from my brother and his family. It was like avalanche building, I was preparing myself for the possibility, of being disowned and not having the love of a family. I went through this agony each time that I had to tell a family member. Each time I had to tell a cousin, each time I had to tell a friend. The shear agony of not knowing if they would get up and hug me or tell me to get out of their house. When I told my friends, when I told my boss… that unknowing, fearing the worst. I wrote this in my diary, “I feel that I have let everyone down with they all knowing about my transsexualism… It is slowly sinking in and it is starting to make me blue.” There is so much stigma and guilt attached to being trans that when I did tell them, it felt like the end of the world. People tell me that I’m brave, but it wasn’t bravery, it was desperation, the last choice.
What would you do?
You may call it desperation but it was still brave. I'm calling it brave. Sounds like an interesting dinner/presentation.
ReplyDeleteYes, the speaker was excellent! She is a trans-woman from California who is working on her MSW. The dinner was sponsored by a drug manufacturer and they served us antipasto, pasta, salad, chicken parmigiano, veal Florentine, eggplant parmigiano and every table also had bottles of red and white wines, that were mysteriously replaced when it was empty.
ReplyDeleteSocial Workers never get fed like that, all we get is a sandwich and a can of soda, and if we are lucky, a bag of chips.
I don't know what I'd do. I do know how I'd react if a family member told me that.
ReplyDeleteAbout 15 years ago my sister asked me to come over after work and that she needed to talk. It sounded serious. I was worried about her health.
She stated when I got there that I had to be the first to know. Now, I was really afraid. She had helped me through a health crisis that nearly killed me. I now thought I had to return the favor.
She said, "Bud, I'm gay."
I started laughing so hard that I cried. I was thrilled that she was ok. And no one has a gay sister in her thirties and doesn't know.
My second wife thought a son of mine was gay. I replied, "So what?" I didn't agree with her, but I wasn't worried. I turned out to be right. I went to his daughter's christening last weekend.
I'm glad that you got the support that you needed!
It breaks my heart to hear about the pain you endured. I told you a long time ago I was thrilled to hear you've come out. I saw a transformation of someone who always looked sad as far back as I could remember even in the happiest of times...to someone who shines and looks happy inside and out. Look at it this way Cousin....if you didn't come out we'd never have the chance or be as close as we are even though we're 3000 miles apart. I'm so proud of you and so happy we are family. YOU GO GIRL!!!
ReplyDeleteI too think we are now closer then ever before.
ReplyDelete{{HUGS}}
Bud, my brother thought the same thing when I told him I had something to tell him.
ReplyDelete