Thursday, May 27, 2010

My Story Part 31 – Wondering

Did my parents know about my crossdressing and if so, what did they think? It is something that I always wondered but it is something that I will never know because both of my parents have passed away. There were some little clues that indicated that my mother knew, like when I use to keep my stash of clothes hidden in the back of my closet and one day they vanished. Or another time when I had my mother’s dress on and I was smoking pot when a seed popped and burnt a hole in it. She came to me and asked if I know anything about it. Which indicated that she most likely knew, but what did she think? Did she tell my father? If she did, what did he think?

These incidents happened back in the sixties, when crossdressing was considered as being gay and being gay was against the law.

I think we all want our parent’s love; I know that they loved me, but what did they think? Was that why my mother always worried about me? Did she fear that I might be gay? These are questions that have been with me all my life.

When she was dying, I wrote this poem

The Question
You never asked.
I always wondered.
But, I never asked.
It was our little secret.
The question unasked.
Little things that let me know that you knew.
But never asked.
The little hints here and there.
But the question remained unasked.
Hints just loud enough for my ears.
Oh, I always wondered about the question unasked.
Would our love survived.
If asked.
What would it have been like with the question asked?
What might have been if you asked?
What might have been if I asked?

This was crossed posted from my blog, "Diana’s Little Corner in the Nutmeg State"


kt moxie said...

As a mother myself (though of little ones -- 3 and 6), I bet she knew. However, like most mothers, I bet her strongest concern was for your wellbeing and safety. Considering the times, she probably just didn't know what to do with the information and how to help you.

I hope you still know that you mother loved you! From what I read here it seems clear that she did!

Tara said...

I agree with kt moxie, I had something to say but I read that and it really says it all. Beautiful poem.